Your stomach twinges in pain as you pull back the lid on the can. You ignore it. Tucking the dangerously sharp metal disc into the shopping bag, you set the tin down on the concrete, then step back several paces.
It takes a while for them to emerge, with your strange presence and your odd smells, but hunger wins out -- thin, mangy cats emerge from the shadows of the alley, tails puffed, watching you for a brisk moment before streaking to the food. They crowd around it, and soon you're completely forgotten. Maybe it ought to make you feel empty; instead, the usual feeling of validation creeps through you, and you're relieved that you're still capable of even such a fleeting thing.
"See ya," you croak through a dry throat. Then you turn around and leave.
Ordinarily, you'd stay, gauge the cats as they ate. Gain a bit of their trust and see if they'd let you pet them. See just how ravenous they are -- whether you should come back to feed them again soon. But that's not something you're capable of doing this time, and to be honest, you don't trust yourself. Just putting that can of food down and walking away from it had taken everything you had.
You're so hungry.
It's because you're an idiot. You have no one to blame but yourself; who else but Ichimatsu would buy a couple convenience-store riceballs, then blow the rest of his final allowance on cat food? It was an impulsive move by someone with little impulse control, something your brothers never would have let you done, but your brothers aren't here right now, and it's feeling a lot like they never will be again. That's fine. Just because they wouldn't let you spend your money on the cats doesn't mean they were right. The cats don't deserve to eat any less than you do.
Your brothers, as usual, just held you back. Just like you held them back. You hope they're doing well now.
You're not doing so hot yourself, but you don't really care. It's natural. You'd once warned your mother that you might become a criminal if you were left to your own devices -- as it turns out, you're actually too soft for that. Without your family, you've got no backbone. Your once bleak future simply becomes nondescript. You'd rather just waste away alone.
The streets are crowded, and you hate people. You have no idea why you ever allowed yourself to wander this far downtown. Sighing, you shuffle your feet, pull your hygiene mask back up over your face as you melt into the pedestrian traffic. The neon city lights have begun blinking, which is your warning that it's going to get dark soon. You've learned that much. Your eyes dully scan each alley that you pass, looking for one next to a sewer that belches warmth, or maybe even an establishment that's carelessly left its back door ajar. Even if you get caught and picked up for vagrancy, it's better than nothing. Heh, maybe you really are just a worthless criminal, in the end.
An abrupt pain wrenches through your middle. You feel yourself stop, clutch your stomach through your sweater, your breath hot and acidic-tasting against your mask. The lights and damned people blur a little bit at the edges of your sight. It's fine... you're fine. All you have to do is stumble to the nearest alley, quality be damned. You'll feel better in the morning. If morning comes.
You take a stumbling step towards the mouth of one, and forget to lift your other foot. The world pitches forward and you feel two sets of arms grab you from each side, steadying you. Dizzy, you struggle to focus.
Jyushimatsu? Kara --?
It's not them, you realize. They're off with their jobs, living well, prospering. They don't have time to be following you around, holding trash back from wasting away. It's a kind-faced couple, concern high in their brows, pulling your weight up and towards the warm glow of a building, their voices low and soft and urgent. It's not your brothers.
ii. loving never gave me a home
It takes a while for them to emerge, with your strange presence and your odd smells, but hunger wins out -- thin, mangy cats emerge from the shadows of the alley, tails puffed, watching you for a brisk moment before streaking to the food. They crowd around it, and soon you're completely forgotten. Maybe it ought to make you feel empty; instead, the usual feeling of validation creeps through you, and you're relieved that you're still capable of even such a fleeting thing.
"See ya," you croak through a dry throat. Then you turn around and leave.
Ordinarily, you'd stay, gauge the cats as they ate. Gain a bit of their trust and see if they'd let you pet them. See just how ravenous they are -- whether you should come back to feed them again soon. But that's not something you're capable of doing this time, and to be honest, you don't trust yourself. Just putting that can of food down and walking away from it had taken everything you had.
You're so hungry.
It's because you're an idiot. You have no one to blame but yourself; who else but Ichimatsu would buy a couple convenience-store riceballs, then blow the rest of his final allowance on cat food? It was an impulsive move by someone with little impulse control, something your brothers never would have let you done, but your brothers aren't here right now, and it's feeling a lot like they never will be again. That's fine. Just because they wouldn't let you spend your money on the cats doesn't mean they were right. The cats don't deserve to eat any less than you do.
Your brothers, as usual, just held you back. Just like you held them back. You hope they're doing well now.
You're not doing so hot yourself, but you don't really care. It's natural. You'd once warned your mother that you might become a criminal if you were left to your own devices -- as it turns out, you're actually too soft for that. Without your family, you've got no backbone. Your once bleak future simply becomes nondescript. You'd rather just waste away alone.
The streets are crowded, and you hate people. You have no idea why you ever allowed yourself to wander this far downtown. Sighing, you shuffle your feet, pull your hygiene mask back up over your face as you melt into the pedestrian traffic. The neon city lights have begun blinking, which is your warning that it's going to get dark soon. You've learned that much. Your eyes dully scan each alley that you pass, looking for one next to a sewer that belches warmth, or maybe even an establishment that's carelessly left its back door ajar. Even if you get caught and picked up for vagrancy, it's better than nothing. Heh, maybe you really are just a worthless criminal, in the end.
An abrupt pain wrenches through your middle. You feel yourself stop, clutch your stomach through your sweater, your breath hot and acidic-tasting against your mask. The lights and damned people blur a little bit at the edges of your sight. It's fine... you're fine. All you have to do is stumble to the nearest alley, quality be damned. You'll feel better in the morning. If morning comes.
You take a stumbling step towards the mouth of one, and forget to lift your other foot. The world pitches forward and you feel two sets of arms grab you from each side, steadying you. Dizzy, you struggle to focus.
Jyushimatsu? Kara --?
It's not them, you realize. They're off with their jobs, living well, prospering. They don't have time to be following you around, holding trash back from wasting away. It's a kind-faced couple, concern high in their brows, pulling your weight up and towards the warm glow of a building, their voices low and soft and urgent. It's not your brothers.
It shouldn't be, anyway.