[He doesn't want to believe that. He doesn't want to believe that Tim felt differently, that the rage didn't always well up in him too, that what he did to Alex wasn't what he wanted. He doesn't want to believe it, because he doesn't want to be alone like that. Knowing what it feels to be that single-minded, to hate strong enough, feel enough anger to wish for someone's death. He wants Tim to understand.
But he remembers watching it. Hearing the last sounds that would ever come from the man who once sat in his car and told him you read that well. Go again, but this time- The man he introduced as a friend. He felt so relieved and vindicated, and he felt so, so sick.
Everything he believed in, everything he lived by, has been slowly and surely coming apart at the seams since he got here, and Brian doesn't know what to do about it.
He can't say sorry. The lead is thicker on his tongue than ever, and Brian thinks that maybe he could try to scream and still not be heard. The word is locked up, chained away where it can't hurt him, because sorry implies guilt, and guilt implies mistakes, and mistakes implies a fuckton of things that he just cannot untangle right now. He can't.
But maybe he can dig around for a key.
Brian's heart feels like it's burning (so human, why does it feel so human) as he reaches out and wraps an arm around Tim's shoulders, just as he'd pictured himself doing earlier.]
no subject
But he remembers watching it. Hearing the last sounds that would ever come from the man who once sat in his car and told him you read that well. Go again, but this time- The man he introduced as a friend. He felt so relieved and vindicated, and he felt so, so sick.
Everything he believed in, everything he lived by, has been slowly and surely coming apart at the seams since he got here, and Brian doesn't know what to do about it.
He can't say sorry. The lead is thicker on his tongue than ever, and Brian thinks that maybe he could try to scream and still not be heard. The word is locked up, chained away where it can't hurt him, because sorry implies guilt, and guilt implies mistakes, and mistakes implies a fuckton of things that he just cannot untangle right now. He can't.
But maybe he can dig around for a key.
Brian's heart feels like it's burning (so human, why does it feel so human) as he reaches out and wraps an arm around Tim's shoulders, just as he'd pictured himself doing earlier.]